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In short, couples that have Marital Sex play out in the bedroom everything unspoken and unresolved from outside the bedroom. Or, even better, why not hookup with both of them? When I let myself love her for who she is instead of what she could do for me, love truly happened.

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Did that title get your attention? First, some clarification about what I mean by each term. That is, the three kinds of sexual relationships occur on different planes, different levels of integration between your physical, animal being, and your relational and beings. That's what it was like with her! He was a 44 year-old trust fund guy who lived with his mother and had never married. He entered because he wanted to learn why he hadn't been able to form a lasting relationship. In Hook-Up Sex you and your partner use each other's bodies for your own pleasure. It can be extremely intense and arousing, especially when you feel lust towards a new partner. There's a place for this kind of sex, but it's also the most primitive, least evolved form of sex. It reflects the purely animal part of being human -- our physiological needs and impulses. We share those with other animal species. From a human standpoint, though, it's mostly void of relationship beyond the physical connection; a form of playing through using each other's bodies. Aside from Ken's deeper that he'd never faced or dealt with, another barrier to his forming a relationship was that he had turned sex into a technique-dominated sport. He saw himself as a great lover and, in fact, had become very proficient in Tantric sexual practices. Handsome and charming, he was able to find women eager to participate. Ken's mastery of them had become an end in itself, and they were entirely divorced from human connection, beyond pure sex. He was like a character in Nobel laureate Doris Lessing's novel, , a man who had become a master of Tantric sex, but had devolved as a human being. He had no soul-to-soul connection with any of the women he drew into his serial sexual relationships. Maybe that's the problem - that Tom's just not a good lover. They remained committed to each other, though, and wanted to improve their sex life. Their sex life was an example of what most long-term couples experience, as research and surveys have documented. At least it does at the beginning of the relationship. But what tends to happen is what this couple experienced: Their sex life became entangled with the conflicts and disagreements that had accumulated over the years. They brought all of that into the bedroom with them. For example, Julie didn't talk very openly with Tom about what she wanted, sexually. She carried the residue of about revealing her sexual desires, shame that originated in her relationship with her mother. Moreover, Julie and Tom had descended into the low-level, adversarial power-struggle so typical of the functional relationship. So, learning new sex techniques or acquiring new sexual knowledge wasn't going to elevate their sexual relationship beyond Marital Sex. Sometimes Marital Sex includes a Hook-Up sexual experience - perhaps when on a vacation, or aided by ingesting substances, legal or illegal. Nevertheless, Marital Sex is further along the continuum because it includes some degree of emotional, relational connection, in addition to sex. Couples who have Marital Sex like something about each other as people. Or at least they did at one time, when they first got together. That relational connection is both good and bad. The good part is that your relationship is more humanly evolved, and contains the possibility of evolving towards Making Love. The bad part is that all the feelings, conflicts, non-mutual behavior, hiding out and manipulation characteristic of the adolescent model of love can seep into your sex life like a growing virus. For example, withholding sex as , or using it as leverage for manipulating your partner in some way. Or projecting and reenacting all sorts of unresolved family, parental, and issues in your relationship. Michael Vincent Miller described much of this in , about the sex lives of modern couples bound by struggles for possession and power over the other. All of that usually leads to diminished sexual connection over time. In short, couples that have Marital Sex play out in the bedroom everything unspoken and unresolved from outside the bedroom. Julie may have learned how long it takes to reach an orgasm, but she didn't know much about what she and Tom need to do along the way to build a heightened, fulfilling and energized sexual relationship. But integrating what I call and with specific sexual practices can heighten energy, connection and excitement between partners on all levels of their relationship. Doing that is the path to the most evolved, integrated mind-body-spirit relationship: Making Love. And some recent indicates that seeking just the experience of transcendent, physical sex can also increase the likelihood of unprotected sex. Instead, envision two partners whose sex life is interwoven with heightened mind, body, and spiritual connection. But your sexual relationship elevates to that higher plane only when you join that energy to the energy that comes from open communication and equality in your daily behavior with your partner. This integration focuses you and your partner on your shared journey through life on this planet, including larger issues about your sense of meaning and purpose in the world. They are important pathways to elevating and steadily expanding pleasure throughout your entire body. Orgasm is no longer the end-state to hurry towards. In fact, Making Love doesn't even have to include genital intercourse. Couples who are unable to or who don't have genital sex are still able to evolve towards the heightened mind-body-spiritual state of Making Love. Most of the sexual techniques share a common core of meditative, breathing, and physical movement exercises with your partner, combined with extended foreplay. They help you let go of your ego-needs -- for example, simply wanting to be given pleasure, or wanting to make your partner experience pleasure. While sexual techniques build and increase energy exchange and flow, the quality and level of arousal and pleasure your and your partner experience sexually depends on the extent to which you're doing building connection and arousal in the other parts of your relationship. That is, when you treat each other as equal human beings within your daily relationship, and you're transparent about your inner life and emotions, you automatically feel more stimulation and excitement with each other. When you feel connected as equals and yet engage each other as separate, distinct individuals as well, that generates new energy and it enhances the sexual energy between the two of you. There are many good sources of information and guidance for building heightened sexual engagement, equality and in your relationship - through books, videos and workshops. Some of the most substantial and useful include Margo Anand's guides to Tantric practices; Kenneth Cohen's detailed description of ; and Pepper Schwartz's , including building in relationships. I think one of the best descriptions of Making Love is a passage in another of Doris Lessing's works, the allegorical novel. There, she describes the power of heightened sexual connection when it's equal and reciprocal between two partners. The light, glancing, inflaming kisses that he had not known how to answer, had gone from his mind. The invitation, the answer and question, the mutual response and counter-response -- none of this had been within the provision of the courtesan Elys, since she had never in her life enjoyed an equal relation with anyone, man or woman. His wife came to him, and began to teach him how to be equal and ready in love. It was quite shocking for him, because it laid him open to pleasures he had certainly not imagined with Elys. There was no possible comparison between the heavily sensualities of that, and the changes and answerings of these rhythms. He was laid open not only to physical responses he had not imagined, but worse, to emotions he had no desire at all to feel. He was engulfed in tenderness, in passion, in the wildest intensities that he did not know whether to call pain or delight... He could not of course sustain it for long. Equality is not learned in a lesson or two... But even as far as he could stand it, he had been introduced to his potentialities beyond anything he had believed possible. And when they desisted, and he was half relieved and half sorry that the intensitites were over, she did not allow him to sink back again away from the plane of sensitivity they had both achieved. They made love all that night, and all the following day, and they did not stop at all for food, though they did ask for a little wine, and when they had been entirely and thoroughly wedded, so that they could no longer tell through touch where one began and the other ended, and had to look, with their eyes, to find it, they fell into a deep... Couples who build such a relationship feel enduring connection and sustained passion. Their relationship becomes through all of the changes and challenges that people face along the path of life. And it becomes a portal into continues spiritual evolution, individually and as a couple. My blog: Web Site: ©2010 Douglas LaBier All three can be very hot. All three can be very depressing. No doubt there's a kind of connection in Making Love that can't be found in the other two, but one wonders what would be preferable: a lifetime of hot Hooking Up, or a lifetime of mediocre marital Sex and even less satisfying attempts at Making Love. In therapy, I've seen married couples' sex lives go from mediocre to passable. I've seen passable get to a bit better than average. But I've never really seen a couple go from mediocre to explosive. And I've never really seen a low-desire partner ignite the way a high-desire partner might want, or a high-desire partner fizzle the way a low-desire partner might want. We're in the realm of the emotional and the primitive here, where our bodies have as much to say about things as our brains and mouths. It's daunting but it's also kind cool to realize that one can't think one's way out of everything. However, my response to you main point, about the transition's you've observed, is that I think it's highly interwoven with, and part of, the overall relationship - the connection around exposure and intimacy, and those provide the opening for more evolution. But nothing substitues for making a good, conscious choice to begin with! The best I've seen is highly uneasy and unstable compromise where neither partner is close to satisfied. Yet another reason to choose wisely at the start. Of course, for a significant percentage of the population, no one has any idea of the nature of their sexual compatibility until the marriage is well underway. And by then, of course, it's too late! The others, who think that they might be able to regulate desire level of their partner, or overcome a paucity or imbalance of attraction? Well, Don Quixote had more success with windmills. What I might add is that couples often want to experience all kinds of sex with each other--passionate sex, loving sex, sex for the sake of sex, impersonal sex, personal sex. Another point I'd add is that sex should mean more than intercourse. Too many people forget that all kinds of sensual activities are expressions of their sexuality and their love. That idea helps when couples age and body parts don't work as well, or if one or both partner has an illness. Thanks for your comments! Buehler has a recent post on her blog about differences in desire between partners in a marriage, which I read after seeing her post here. However, it seems applicable more to situations where partners enjoy sex equally, but the disparity is in frequency. What does one do in situations where the disparity is both in interest in frequency and interest in sex in general? I can tell you from experience that I would rather chew on shards of glass than have sex with a woman who is not into it. Labier's terms, the partner -- as often a guy as a woman, by the by -- is just not that into Hooking Up, Marital Sex, or Making Love. The idea of frequent or even weekly sex with a wo man who is going through the motions for the sake of relationship would make my stomach turn. In fact, it is insupportable. Once all other physical and psychological reasons have been eliminated -- everything from diabetes to a childhood trauma or abuse -- or treated successfully, we still often face the situation of desire and attraction imbalances. Of course differences can be accepted and communication increased, but that makes a lot more sense to a couple married forty-five years than a couple married five years, no? God knows how to make these work in an ongoing relationship. Because I sure don't! Would love to hear Dr. Buehler's thoughts on this. That is, is there a basis for building and sustaining energy and vitality in all spheres, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually and sexually? If a positive, energized relationship if formed and grows over time, then problems that occur later affecting sexual desire - hormonal shifts, physical conditions, etc. I know it's a commonplace observation just how feminacentric and feminized psychology is these days, but this piece could appear as a case example in a textbook. Somehow, women keeping men in constrained sex roles just doesn't seem very evolved to moi. LaBier, Thanks for your thoughtful post. While I no longer agree with your categorizations, I was certainly trained that way and remember the security in it! I find that all kinds of people have hooking-up sex, and that their experience of it defines simple categorization. Hooking-up sex is also how a lot of interesting relationships begin. Yours truly, Paul Joannides, Psy. Joannides, thanks for you comments and critique. So my description of the three types was more in that context, not as fixed categories. Certainly, they are more fluid in people's lives, as you suggest. Thanks for your thoughts about this! For the first time, we find ourselves in a physical relationship that almost defies description. It definitely falls into the lovemaking category. We live in different towns so much of our time is in non-contact situations. And yet, there is this constant flow of positive energy toward each other. We recently decided that we actually begin making love long before our lips ever touch. I don't even know how to accurately describe it. We know the other one makes mistakes and has annoyances, but, it would be difficult to name them if asked as we don't remember then. It is the most joyful part of our lives. When we are first in the car, home, etc. Whereas in other relationships for each of us, our partner was reluctant to openly discuss their sexual needs, with each other it is as easy as anything we have ever done. I guess I have to sum this up as saying there is this complete acceptance of us each other and the daily knowledge that we are so blessed that makes everything else in our lives much easier to manage. Even as I write this and we are hours apart, I feel this great affection and tenderness toward him. And he will randomly text me in the night stating something along those lines. It is amazing how many times we will email each other or text each other at the exact same time at hours we are normally sleeping. It is as if we are psychically sp? Well, I think my point has been made. Thank you for a great article that explained to us exactly what we have been experiencing. The defining feature of it was the enforced separations punctuated by sexual trysts which were delicious and passionate! The absences fed our longing for each other and the relationship never grew stale. I was always excited,in more ways than one! Your description of your relationship applies equally to ours. We ended the relationship but are still friends. Our friendship has a special quality-I still feel that she is a part of me,as if she inhabits my soul,and I still have dreams of her. It has spoilt me and I hope never to get married or enter a relationship where my partner becomes a part of the furniture and sex part of the domestic routine. However i strongly believe that in order to avoid cheating, dishonesty and communication breakdowns in marriages. Couples should endevour to remain attractive, adventourous in order to arouse one another and to lust after one another. Good sexual experiences change the way you view the world your partner ad how you handle people, crises, kids etc in increases your endophosis and its like a happy pill. Sexual intercourse goes hand in hand with communcation and can even determine how long the relationship can and will last. You got to love someone with that kind of patience. Hook up sex is nothing but selfish narcissism. I give up myself and my own selfish wants for her. I have never felt so loved in my life. When I let myself love her for who she is instead of what she could do for me, love truly happened. I have never felt so loved in my life. It's not about sex - it's about love. And love is not sex. Sex is only an expression of love now. I'm looking forward to the next thirty years of loving and making love to my wife.

At least it jesus at the beginning of the relationship. Of course differences can be accepted and communication increased, but that makes a lot more sense to a couple married forty-five years than a couple married five years, no. Maybe they prefer to stay in a committed relationship without a gusto document, or maybe they prefer to play the field for their whole lives. They made love all that night, and all the following day, and they did not stop at all for food, though they did ask for a little wine, and when they had been solo and thoroughly wedded, so that they could no longer tell online marital hookup auto login touch where one began and the other ended, and had to look, with their eyes, to find it, they fell into a deep. The following day, he set-up an offline meeting for drinks, with the intention of solo up later that night. We know the other one makes mistakes and has annoyances, but, it would be difficult to name them if asked as we don't remember then. All of that usually leads to diminished sexual connection over time. Aside from Ken's deeper that he'd never glad or dealt with, another barrier to his forming a relationship was that he had turned sex into a technique-dominated sport.